Where did these emotions come from? Suddenly I’m like a teenager exposed to the strongest emotions I’ve felt in decades, a feeling of dread at our parting, a feeling of overjoy at seeing you. Just a sign of life from you is enough to elicit a deep feeling of happiness. I still don’t know what I’m gonna do with these feelings, if there’s a any wiggle room or even space in your life for me, but that’s honestly beside the point – I have these feelings again, the hope for a better future with someone I love, and more importantly – who loves me.

I have no idea what you’re feeling, or if you’re thinking the same things that I am, but I know for sure that whenever I think of you I blush a deep red, my cheeks almost feel swollen with love. I’m bursting at the seams, just about able to contain it all. For the longest time I was able to not feel a thing, but as if someone flicked a switch I feel strongly again. “Strongly” can’t describe it, it’s all-encompasing. Genuinely there’s nothing I want more in my life than to sit with you awaiting your bus, just completely betwixted by your very presence. You’re a gift that keeps on giving.

I feel it in the pit of my stomach every time I chance a glance at you, your eyes light up the room, even the way your hair falls a certain way is enough proof that there’s beauty in this world. I’m a writer and every single time I write down your name it’s as if I’m giving life to this fantasy, as if there’s something holy or magical to your very name written down. Ah, but I don’t know what to do with it, not at all. Soon we’re both destined for more, for something different, and I feel like time is slipping away from me, as if we’re destiny but ment to be in a different universe or another life.

I’m usually so good at rationalizing everything but I have no objective facts or truth to support my conclusions in this regard, just your very face looking my way is enough to make it hard to breathe. As if the air suddenly weighs a ton, as if someone is standing ontop of me as I lie down.

You and I walked to your bus but it drove off before you got the chance to enter and I just wanted to scream loudly at how unfair the world was when you told me your bus stop was on “this side of the road” whilst mine was on the other side. In a way symbolic of our relationship in general, we’re on opposite sides of the road from each other, but I just wanted to spend eternity on your side. I walked across the road but I couldn’t separate myself completely so I stood facing you leaned into a pole of some kind completely enchanted by you.

I don’t wanna push you away so I doubt I’ll ever make these feelings heard or known to you, I don’t wanna come off as intense or aggressive or pushy or needy, but I desperately need you. I need you like I need air, like I need food, like I need water. More even. And I’m fearful of these emotions because I don’t know if I can offer you all that you deserve. I know how much you deserve to be happy and I dunno if I can provide you with more than that, so I might just keep silent, shut up shop, keep pretending I’m just really, really, really friendly. But there’s no one else I would want to spend my time with, and I don’t know what to do. Oh my Lord, I’m so scared.

It’s a tidal wave of emotions I haven’t felt in such a long time, a deep sense of trust I have in you that’s frankly perhaps unearned in a way but a sense deep inside of you of something more. Why did they have to make this so tricky? Whether through creation or evolution, why did it have to hurt so good? Time is slipping away and I don’t want to do anything but spend my remaining time with you. As the butterflies twirl around in my stomach by the sparks I get every time I catch a glance into your eyes I know they belong with the flowers.